The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

18:41 Aug 31 2013
Times Read: 632

I'm going to work to try to collect my last two paycheck stubs. (Deposit confirmations, really.) They say we have to pick them up 2:00 P.M. payday (every other Wednesday) but I've been working. I couldn't look at the clock to see it was 2:00, stop the customer, "Excuse me ma'am, I have to collect my pay stub now" and walk away!

Another Discovery
03:19 Aug 31 2013
Times Read: 652

I've been having problems being able to reach the end of my bow without drawing arcs across the strings or raising my right hand at the end of the stroke.



I have spent about four hours watching other violinists online, and "How to hold the violin and bow" videos. I would watch, position my violin, pull my bow across the string, and get frustrated.



I kept thinking, "My arms did not get shorter, and I didn't used to have this problem. What's wrong?"



Then it dawned on me to position the bow on the string and move THE REST OF MY BODY to make it work. And it did.



It seems so simple, yet even the teacher, when she looked at how I was holding the violin, said I was holding it correctly.



I was holding it correctly- I wasn't holding the rest of my body correctly.



This has been bugging me the entire time I've been playing since starting to play again.



FINALLY! Relief!



*Sigh*

05:05 Aug 27 2013
Times Read: 676

It's just after 10:00 p.m. I am back from rehearsal and feeling a bit overwhelmed. But that's not unusual. Next rehearsal will be better.

01:23 Aug 27 2013
Times Read: 678

First rehearsal tonight. Getting picked up 6:30. Gotta go.

Not a Total Success or Failure
00:37 Aug 26 2013
Times Read: 692

I didn't totally fall apart in the audition. I did well for having only played for 58 days, but it wasn't good enough to get a chair. Which is what I figured would happen.



However, there were three of us the conductor wasn't impressed enough with, and my teacher said she doesn't see them getting better, but she does see me getting better. So we're all on a sort of "probation" until after the concert in October, when we will audition again with excerpts from the concert music.



I have two more months.



I knew I wouldn't be good enough, but I did it anyway. And I'm glad. And now I have more time to prepare. And I'll have to remember to eat a banana first next time. Did you know they are good for nervousness? One of the ladies auditioning for the first violins told me that. I wish I'd known before my audition, but oh well.



All in all, I'd count this as a success, because I didn't quit, and I didn't play as poorly as I feared I would.



And I still get to play in the orchestra!



I will play better next time. And if it still isn't good enough, I'll keep playing, trying out for other things, and audition again next year. I'm not going to give this up. If I never get a chair in the orchestra, in any orchestra, I will still play. For me. Not for anyone else. This is why I'm doing this. I need to play music.



This isn't over. This is just the beginning.

15:41 Aug 25 2013
Times Read: 705

The audition is today. I'm going to do some yard work this morning, then eat, bathe, practice a bit, and rest. Then I'll practice a bit more before the teacher comes to pick me up.

04:08 Aug 25 2013
Times Read: 711

I am very nervous about tomorrow. So I decided to think about that a little bit. What do I want from this experience, and what is at stake?



What I really want is to play in an orchestra. I have been told I could play without auditioning- I just wouldn't have a chair- I would fill one of the chairs in the "rotating" stands in the back of the orchestra. If I fail to "win" a non-"rotating" chair through the audition process, I will still get to play in the orchestra.



So why do I want to audition? What is at stake?



I want to prove to myself that I can do this- that whatever the outcome, I will get through it, and I will benefit from it. Whether I succeed or fail in gaining a chair is not important. What is important is a chance to work in spite of fear.

This is a chance to master my fear- in a small way.



I need to do this for that reason. I need to feel the fear and still do it. It is the only way I can continue to grow.

04:09 Aug 24 2013
Times Read: 717




I am done practicing for tonight. I have a headache, which I got at work, and I'm tired.



I practiced for an hour without stopping, and took a break. Then I practiced a little more and took a longer break. Then I played things through twice more.



I am inconsistently good, and randomly bad, but I am less inconsistent, and my bad is less bad. I will get better with time. I have one more day, and some time the next, then the audition that day.

03:02 Aug 23 2013
Times Read: 726

I'm less stressed out about work today. I am taking a short break from practicing and will take many breaks since the passage I'm working on is causing me to tense up so much. I probably won't play this one exactly the way they want it. Oh well. I'll keep working on it.



It has only been 55 days, and the audition day will be the 58th.



I want to be so much better than I am. I am so much better than I was. What more can I ask of myself? I won't give up.

14:54 Aug 22 2013
Times Read: 730

I'm working until 5:00 today. I hope they let me out in time to catch my bus. If not, I may be stranded there until tomorrow- when I have to work again. I didn't sleep well last night because of what happened yesterday. I don't think I can go two whole days on one and a half hours of sleep. Not without making a bunch of errors, accidentally breaking things or knocking them over, or injuring myself. Not that they care.



It's no wonder three more people (one of them a manager) have quit in the last two weeks. I wish I had somewhere else to go. I'm still looking.



And I'm still angry, damn it!

06:01 Aug 22 2013
Times Read: 736

I practiced. I'm still getting better. I only have a few days left before the audition. I'll do my best.

Screaming
01:13 Aug 22 2013
Times Read: 750

Have you ever felt like screaming at the top of your lungs - in public? I did that at the bus stop today about ten or maybe fifteen times.



I was and still am very frustrated with the way I am treated at work sometimes. Management knows I take a bus, and that if I miss it I will have to wait an hour for the next bus- or wait at work until the next morning, depending on the time- and yet they consistently keep me late, or have me do tasks that take ten or fifteen minutes three, five, or even ten minutes after I was supposed to already have been gone. They let people who have cars or rides go before me when we are supposed to leave at the same time.



I have worked there for nearly four years now, but that counts for nothing. The fact that I am on time 99.9% of the time when other people are consistently ten, fifteen, or even 40 minutes late counts for nothing. Customers telling management that they like me and that I'm doing a good job counts for nothing. The fact that I never talk back or refuse to do a task counts for nothing. To them, I am nothing.



It wears on a person, no matter how much you fight it. That's why I started playing music again. I am not my job. I am a human being, damn it!

This isn't the only thing, but that's all I'll write about, for now.



I need to take a bath and practice. And maybe cry. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

04:11 Aug 20 2013
Times Read: 760

I played audition sectional Mozart (not the concerto) all the way through very slowly, without missing a note. I sped up and missed only two.



I will keep slowing down and speeding up. I will play it so much I will hear this in my sleep.

Conversation With Myself
22:39 Aug 18 2013
Times Read: 769

Self#1: The audition is one week from today! One week! Aaaaaaaaahhhhk!!



Self#2: So? A week ago it was two weeks, soon it will be three days.



Self#1: I'm so nervous! I shake.



Self#2: Remember to breathe. Push the feelings away. Control your breathing, your heart rate will slow down, and you'll shake less.



Self#1: But what if I can't do it?



Self#2: You can do it. If you mess up, so what? Just keep going. One thing that might help is to visualize the whole thing, and to play everything through without stopping.



Self#1: I'm terrified.



Self#2: Which is exactly why you need to do this.



Self#1: I do need to do this, don't I? So that I can learn to work through the fear.



Self#2: Yes. Exactly.



Self#1: I'll trust you.



Self#2: Good. Remember I am here. I am you. You can do this.

18:24 Aug 18 2013
Times Read: 781

I'm going to group again today. It's only supposed to be once a month, but there are two different sessions, so I asked if I could come to both, and the teacher thought that would be great, so I'm going.



More opportunity to play!

Encouraging
20:46 Aug 17 2013
Times Read: 793

I got back from group awhile ago. After we were done playing as a group, I asked the teacher if she wanted to hear the Mozart, and she said,"Sure." So I played part of it. I hadn't played it for anyone since high school. I was very nervous and shaky.



Afterwards, she asked if I was auditioning, and I said I was. She said,"I think you should." I asked her if I sounded better than I did the last time she'd heard me, which was a month ago in group, and she said I did.



Maybe I will be ready. I need to play in front of people more so that I can practice controlling my nerves. But this is encouraging.

17:05 Aug 17 2013
Times Read: 802

My friend is picking me up and taking me to group again where I get to play! Yay! I'm really hungry, too. I hope we have time to grab something!

05:19 Aug 17 2013
Times Read: 811

I've been playing for 49 days now. Tired- I played. Depressed- I played. Crying, frustrated- I played. Angry, irritated, in pain- I played. Tomorrow will make 50 days I've played, and tomorrow is group again.



I'm looking forward to it.

Violin Again
04:11 Aug 16 2013
Times Read: 826

I am so tired from work today. I'm going to stop practice early because I'm messing up more as I play and frustrating myself. Still, I got more than an hour in in between doing other things! Not too bad! I will do more tomorrow.

I'm Learning It
04:45 Aug 15 2013
Times Read: 831

After talking with a friend, I decided to pick my violin up and see how much of the Mozart I could play from memory. I got about two thirds of the way through it, and remembered part of a later section.



Yay! That means I'm actually learning it. I think being relaxed helped it come more easily.

12:54 Aug 14 2013
Times Read: 835

I've been feeling down again. Not leaden, like before, just down every day. I'm missing talking to people. Everyone's too busy any more. It's too early for me to be on here. I'm going back to bed.

45 Days
05:26 Aug 13 2013
Times Read: 860

Every single day since the 29th of June, I've practiced. Including today. I actually feel the need to do it. 45 days. And more to come.



Difficult passages becoming less so, more flow to the music, and better tone have been the results. Oh, and more defined upper arms. I wonder where I'll be in another 45 days.



Still playing, no matter what. That's where I'll be.

04:41 Aug 11 2013
Times Read: 872

Practiced two hours earlier in the day, then one and a half later.

04:31 Aug 10 2013
Times Read: 880

I practiced. I'm getting better. I hope it will be enough. My back is not letting me continue, but I'm tired anyway. I will practice more tomorrow.



I did over two hours, so that's not bad!



I need to get stronger. I am getting stronger.

05:37 Aug 09 2013
Times Read: 887

I played the passage correctly twice instead of just once, and played the first half well an additional time. I will continue to improve.

04:06 Aug 08 2013
Times Read: 890

I've hit a passage I had difficulty with right on, so I know I can do it. Now to just repeat the experience.



I'm tired and going to bed early for a change. More practice tomorrow.

I Will Not Give Up
03:19 Aug 05 2013
Times Read: 910

Still practicing. Still getting better. Still frustrated. I'm not giving up. I may not be good enough in time for the audition, but I will do it anyway, even though I'm scared. I need to do this.



This is, for me, another necessary thing.

Holding My Violin Just Got Better
05:26 Aug 03 2013
Times Read: 920

I talked with a friend tonight, so I didn't have as much time to practice, but it was time well spent because I discovered something.



I bought a new shoulder rest a few days ago, and I had adjusted it as best I could for height and tried it out. It still wasn't comfortable, but my violin didn't slip as much when I was using it. The other night, I kept thinking that I needed something that would attach closer to the end of the violin. I needed to push the violin further into my neck so that my jawbone would clear the upward curve of the chin rest instead of resting on it.



You are supposed to place it on the instrument so that the curve is opposite the curve of the violin.

Tonight I got my shoulder rest out and looked at it. I thought, "What if I put it on backwards?" So I did.



I actually gasped at the difference . It still isn't perfect, but it is a vast improvement! I had a much more stable feeling instrument, but I still had freedom of movement. And my jaw bone was no longer resting on the upward curved edge of the chin rest. I will make a few adjustments, but I think this is actually going to work!



So, yes, I will be playing with a shoulder rest that is on backwards!



Knowing me, it figures.

Barfing Up My Nose
05:15 Aug 02 2013
Times Read: 927

Here's another one- also to my cousin. It's dated May 28, 2009.



I hope you had a happy birthday! Yesterday morning I woke myself barfing up my nose. Nice, huh? I spent all day blowing my nose and went to bed early. Fortunately, no barf this time! Yay!!! Love you. Wish you no barf too!

B's Spider Sanctuary
04:57 Aug 02 2013
Times Read: 929

I was going through old emails I had sent, and I found this one. It made me laugh. I thought it was strangely cute. I sent it to my cousin December 5,2008. The subject line read: B's Spider Sanctuary.



Hey C., it's me, N! Sorry I accidentally sent the last message to you from the wrong e-mail. I'm also sorry I didn't sign it. Oh well. I talked to my brother last night (Thursday). He is apparently keeping a spider sanctuary in his home. He told me that he tries not to kill them and that sometimes they'll run across his foot while he's sitting on the toilet. He also told me that there's a large furry one with a little hidey-hole in the shower. He told me it watches him when he comes in and if he goes to get in the shower, it goes into its hole. Weird. Oh,well- at least he has some company. Anyway, hopefully this message will get to you without any confusion caused by me.

Yes, More Violin
04:01 Aug 01 2013
Times Read: 687

My bowing is getting smoother. Still a little coordination issues between bowing and fingering, but it's getting better. Intonation is better because I'm starting to get a better feel for where I am. Still not consistent, though. I still need a new shoulder rest, and the chin rest is digging into my jawbone. Uncomfortable! I am reluctant to move the chin rest until I see if a new shoulder rest will help. Improvement. Pain. Frustration. Keep going.